I feel like, as I’m maturing, I’m personalizing, creating, and molding my tastes of who I am, and who I’m going to be. I try to ask myself all the time if I’m going to be great today. Sometimes I feel like I disappoint myself and that I’m too mean or too weird.
Since when was “nerd” an insult? In the words of award-winning author and popular video blogger (vlogger) John Green, calling someone a nerd is just like saying that “you like stuff” - and I like a lot of stuff. I think that everything I read, all the music I hear, all the things I watch or take part in are becoming a little bit of me. There is an interconnection between the stepping into myself and growing towards that goal: that challenge – to be remembered. At this point in my life, I’m getting interests and obsessions that shape me, and that bring me closer to my adult life.
I want to live my life with meaning.
There are several interests that intrigue me in terms of careers: photography, poetry, writing, psychology, politics, acting, music, or teaching (A professor? All in good time…) I want to move toward all of these and personalize it – make it me.
Speaking of myself and my ideas, I’m thinking about the world a lot lately and of options and opinions. I think about the awakening and empowerment of the mind. Everything is so open, so there and so ready for me. Are these the whims of childhood? Is this all cliché?
I love bits and pieces. I love being a nerd (am I nerd?) I love Middle-earth and Tolkien. I love Starkid. I love vlogbrothers (a series of YouTube videos), The LBD, writing, and poetry. I love laughing – with people and all by myself. I love Harry Potter and running. I love music and mysticism. I love Nerdfighters. I love summer and cousins. I love cool jackets and aviator sunglasses. I love finding connections with others even though I’m not very good at it. I love nostalgia and remembering sadness and also, a little bit, happiness. I love being an introvert, but I hate being awkward. I love being a bit of an insomniac – though sometimes it’s taxing. I want everything to be simple, but they’re gloriously complicated and awesome and difficult. I love Awesome, but that’s a personal awesome – ideas and obsessions that are awesome solely because I think they are and that’s fantastic for me. We as humans are all so complicated.
I hate cynicism, but I find that I’m constantly drawing to it, as if cynicism is something that makes people think you’re funny. I’m too cynical. I’m too weird. Do people hate me? I’m too mean (am I mean?) I’m too vulgar. Everything is scary. Am I unstable? I have a mental issue.
I’m growing up.